AI Top 5: Diamonds Aren’t Forever…They Just Feel Like It (4/29)

I’m going to try and make this has quick and painless as possible, so…it will be the opposite of the show.

Ryan starts off by talking about the pressure of the show and that it is on, gets several digs in at Brooke who is holding on to sanity by a desperate curly strand of blond hair. He gets everyone to wave to Carly at home who apparently is not busy at all and just wallowing in her own self-pity as she was eliminated last week. Ryan then tells America to “VOTE VOTE VOTE” for our favorite as if we all vote then magically no one will be eliminated. Finally Ryan introduces your TOP 5 Fa-RIENDS (as if he were Paul Lynde)!!!

At this point in the show, I honestly thought he said “Tonight is all about jews!” but in fact, he said tonight is “all about twos!” So now I have a question…

What could be worse than Neil Diamond night on American Idol. Neil Diamond times 2!!! That’s right, each Idol will be forced to sing two Neil Diamond songs!

Here’s the deal, I have never particularly cared for Neil Diamond and I care for him even less after being subjected to the sensory torture that was aired last night! I was amazed not at his songwriting ability but rather his ability to make even the simplest comment sound really REALLY creepy!

When I write my missive I usually listen to the audio for each performance but I can’t subject myself to that pain. In fact, I can hardly review some of the performances so I will mostly point out one thing that was interesting about the performances.

Monday Morning Idol: It Was No Michael Johns’ Elimination…(4/23)

but it was surprising that Carly was eliminated last week.

Not only that, but the two best performances of the night were in our Bottom Two. So what happened? Well, Carly and Syesha are also the two with the weakest fan bases. Both have struggled with likability and personality throughout the show. Both can sing, but they never really connected with a strong fan base like Brooke, Jason, or the Davids.

At least last week and probably for the rest of the competition, the voting will be based more on fan base votes than actual performance. This means that Syesha will likely go home next week than either Brooke or Jason will go home the week after leaving the Davids and a hippie singer-songwriter left. I pray that Brooke goes home before Jason because emotionally, I think Jason can handle American Idol better but who knows? Brooke’s fan base voted her through her less than stellar performance this week she can probably get away with a lot. However, the bigger her hair gets the closer she is to a breakdown!

Next week will be Neil Diamond week. That’s right…Neil Diamond week. Unlike previous seasons where an artist has released a cover album of “songs from the 50s” or something comparable, the Idols will have to sing from the songbook of Neil Diamond.

We’ll see how that bit of genius goes:-/

JRamp Out!

AI Top 6: Do Over (4/23)

Happy Earth Day everybody!

It’s not easy going green and Idol is going green by giving the Idols their “Toughest Test” in celebrating “The Best of Broadway” by doing the “music” of “Andrew Lloyd Webber”.

The real star of tonight’s show was Ricky Minor who led the expanded band front and center as they all moved down from heaven to actually occupy the stage with the Idols.

Andrew Lloyd Webber was slightly disappointing in that he was surprisingly calm and gave good advice. He was maybe the most “British” person I’ve ever seen! He told the kids he his job as mentor this week was to make the songs work for them not the other way around.

He also made it clear that under no circumstances would he wave to the audience at home!

As result the camera and Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber have a tense staring contest!

This…is…AMERICAN IDOL!!!

AI Top 7 Elimination: KFC is no longer!

I was a little surprised by last week’s elimination show. Mostly that Carly was not in the bottom three and Shyesha got more votes than Brooke!

However, Brooke is about two seconds from having a nervous breakdown on live television so maybe it is best that she get out while she still can. She has definitely made enough of an impact to get a chance at a record deal and she could have herself a nice little career.

I have NO explanation for why Carly made it into the Top 4 last week and frankly am more than a little disappointed. However, I am now hoping for a Castro/Cook showdown for the finale. Both would be very different artists and I think it would make for an exciting show. More exciting than save Dueling Davids. However, I expect that Artichoke/Castro/Cook will be our Final Three. The only thing that could stop that is a female making it to the top three simply because she is a female. In which case, I would hope that is Brooke, but fear it will likely be Carly.

AI Top 7: Where’s The Beef? (4/16)

Ryan starts the show discussing the shock waves that were felt after last week. It was hard for me to decide whether he was talking about the SHOCKING elimination of Boomer the Roo or the fact that this was was Mariah Carey Week.

That’s right…Mariah Carey Week.

As in every one sings a Mariah Carey song. Or the show where the girls get whiplash because they believe that singing a Mariah Carey song means throwing your head back with great force!

*sigh*

Good one Nigel!

That said, Mariah Carey was surprisingly down to earth and not as coo coo for coco puffs as I imagined she would be. She did bring her dawg with her to mentor the kids. (No, not Randy, but an actual tiny white dog). Speaking of Randy, a lot of pressure is on him tonight as he has played on EVERY Mariah Carey album EVER!!!

On a different note, CARLY SMITHSON WORE SLEEVES TONIGHT!!! SHE ACTUALLY WORE SLEEVES!!! I ALMOST DIDN’T BELIEVE IT WAS POSSIBLE!!! ALL IT TOOK WAS THE MAGIC OF MARIAH CAREY!!!

You know this means Carly will be eliminated tonight!

This…Is………AMERICAN IDOL!!!

AI Top 8 Elimination: THE MOST SHOCKING Elimination THIS WEEK!!! (4/10)

So this week…Idol gave back Michael Johns:-(

Pay special attention to Ryan Seacrest’s especially cruel sike this week!

While I expected him to be in the Bottom Three, I believed he would be sent to safety. If he hadn’t performed first, I don’t think that he would have left us. However, at this stage in the game…the littlest misstep in song choice or performance gets you off the show. It is definitely a shame that Boomer The Roo is leaving before KFC or The Adversary, but hey…Bucky is currently enjoying a solid career so Boomer The Roo should be just fine.

Cheers Mate!

AI: Idol Gives Back-The Numbers Are In! (4/9)

Here are the numbers for “Idol Gives Back”! Thankfully, there will be plenty of slow motion clips next season showing just exactly all this money was spent. Below is an itemized list of the moments that Idol made money and sometimes lost money:-(

“So You Think You Can Dance/American Idol” Megamix Intro: $1000
Shyesha finds a diva she can sing better than in Rhianna with “Don’t Stop The Music”: $100
Ryan awkwardly makes a joke about bending over backwards while staring at a male dancer: -$100
Ryan does an unnecessary hitch kick: -$100
Paula jealously gazes at all the young dancers on stage and comes to terms with her own mortality: -$50
Maria Shriver needs some charity on her face: -$400
Maria Shriver forces volunteers on stage and makes contrived analogy about volunteers being pitchy:-100
Maria Shriver leads us in Ancient Hopie Prayer: +50
Ben Stiller makes informs America of his new album, “Ben Stiller Whips Whitney Houston’s Ass”: -$500
Ben Stiller makes up the word “googillion”: -$ A Googlian
Jennifer Connelly’s Dirty Water Mini-Movie: +150
Kobe Bryant asks for money while wearing a Biore Acne Strip: -$50
Carrie Underwood and Mike and Susan from Desperate Housewives contrived plumbing skit: -$50
Teri Hatcher starts to sing “Before He Cheats” with a TV Star Band: +$100
Teri Hatcher keeps singing “Before He Cheats with a TV Star Band: -$500
Mary, a judge from “So You Think You Can Dance”, screams at America until we donate money: -$350
The Jonas Brother’s ask for money with creepy eyebrows: -$50
Billy Crystal makes Idol jokes that may have been funny back in Season 1…not Season 7: -$95
Miley Cyrus and Billy Crystal proves themselves to be THE WORST Comic Duo in HISTORY: -$500
Miley Cyrus and Billy Crystal keep talking: -$1000
Fergie sings a ballad with John Legend and pronounces the word “finally” seven different way: -$300
Her face looks like “The Catwoman”: -$200
Heart comes on a sings “Barracuda”: $1 Million Dollars!
Fergie comes on stage dressed as Catwoman and starts kinda holding her own against Heart: $100
Fergie pats Ann Wilson on the head like a puppy: -$200
Fergie passes out on Nancy Wilson’s shoulder like she’s drunk: -$100
Fergie does two one-handed cartwheels because she can: $500
Adam Sandler wakes up from a nap to ask America for money: -$50
His dog is still asleep: -$50
Eli and Payton Manning show why they should never be actors: $500
Posh and Becks take the stage to garner support by telling the world how fortunate, awesome, and beautiful they are while the rest of the world kind of sucks. Unfortunately, Idol Gives Back won’t raise enough money to make anyone as lucky and comfortable as these two mega-celebrities who really have much more money than their talent dictates, but hey…maybe we can stop a couple kids from dying from AIDS: $1 Million
Ryan Seacrest goes in to steal a kiss from KFC: $100
Kiefer Sutherland asks America for money without making a joke about 24 hours: $25
Annie Lennox wails on “Many Rivers: $1000
Jimmy Kimmel roasts Simon…and it’s more than a little dissappointing: -$200
Carrie Underwood sings “These Are The Days” and becomes an even BIGGER star: $500
Whoopi Goldberg films a five second clip while The View is on commercial: -$25
Ellen introduces herself as Oprah: $100
Ellen calls out to Steadman at the end: $100
Gloria Estefan and Sheila E. take the stage in an Latina Explosion: $50
Sheila E. knocks her high hat over: -$25
Sarah Silverman calls Forrest Whitaker’s wife a nightmare: $100
Elliott Yamin is sitting in the audience: $25
Reece Witherspoon comes across as distant and cold as she stands 7 feet away from every poor person she meets as not to catch “the poverty”: -$250
American Idols sing “Seasons Of Love: $200
They do not end with hand claps: -$200
Alicia Keys does a long clip in Africa because she’s already there: $100
Vanessa Hudgins and Ashley Tisdale act like they are making a video on Myspace rather than saving the world: -$200
Miley Cyrus sings again: -$500
Robin Williams comes out to perform a skit as the winner of Russian Idol: -$500
Robin Williams keeps talking: -$500
Rob Schneider asks America to send him some money…seriously…he means it: -$100
Tyra Banks manages to not make Idol Gives Back about her: $25
Brad Pitt saves the world while Angelina watches their 20 children: $25
Brad and Angelina adopt 17 more children by the time the clip is over: $50
Daughtry wears a knit cap in Africa: -$45
Mariah Carey sings with Randy Jackson to prove he is not a liar: $50
Randy Jackson fake plays the bass guitar: -$50
Carly wears sleeves at the very end of Idol Gives Back: $2

So in the end…Idol actually owes America 1 Googlion Dollars and spread Malaria even further.

Oh well, there is always next year!

JRamp Out!

AI Top 8: Ascots, Chihuahuas, and Ballads…Oh My! (4/8)

Tonight left me with so many questions…

Do the make-up artists cake an extra pound of make-up on Ryan’s face each week?
How far off is the day that Ryan will take the stage as a full out drag queen?
Is “Inspirational Night” becoming the new “Country Night”?
Can a blogger still be critical of singers when they are raising money to save lives and entire nations?

The answers to these questions are “YES!” and “Soon…very soon”

This…is…AMERICAN IDOL!!!

AI Elimination: Thank You America! (4/2)

You got it right! Moreso, than I expected you too!

Bottom Three was Ramiele, KFC, and Brooke White.

Brooke of course was sent to safety.

Ramiele was sent home which based on this week’s show is accurate, but you’re time is coming KFC!!!

Oh, it’s coming!

On a lighter note, this week’s group number was surprisingly good!

AI Top 9: When Dolly Scratches Her Press-On Nails Together…Magic Happens (4/1)

What a surprise opening…Ryan Seacrest outs himself on national television!!!

Paula gets fired from Idol due to a “JUI” (Judging While Intoxicated) and is replaced by Vanna White.

Dolly Parton admits that she has literally hundreds of children all over the nation.

And Carly Smithson isn’t the only one whose made a video…

This…is…AMERICAN IDOL!!!